7/52

I visited a new church today.  River City Church. They recently moved to St. Charles.  Check out their website - beautifully done by a nice guy named Alex that I met today.  This is the church that is interested in hosting Pound classes.  Pound classes that I would be leading.  Commence panic attack now.

Pastor Damian asked if we ever ask ourselves this question:  "Does what I do matter?"

Do you ever ask yourself that?

I do.  And then it's followed up by other questions:

• Am I making a difference?  
• Am I good enough?  
• What if I fail?

The reality is that I've always struggled with this.  The feeling that I'm not _______ enough. And I tend to fill in the blank with a million different words.  Good, smart, beautiful, strong, thin, young, organized, talented - the list goes on and on.  And it affects everything I do.  It's not for lack of hearing it though.  My mom always told me I was smart and talented growing up. Brian tells me I'm beautiful (and I kid you not, he just told me I was smart).  My friends say wonderfully encouraging things too.

But the problem is I. don't. believe. it.  The voices in my head are louder than theirs. Why am I so insecure?  Why can't I convince myself that I am _____ enough?  I give myself a little credit usually.  I'll say "I like photography, I'm just not very good at it." Or let's take my twitter profile: I describe myself as a healthcare finance learning worker bee, wannabe photographer, artist and singer.  Which is entirely accurate.  I love photography, I love art and I love music and singing.  But if someone were to see a picture I took, something I painted, or hear me sing, my first thought is that they would say something like, "you call yourself a photographer/artist/singer?" No, I realize that's completely unrealistic. Most people wouldn't actually say it (to my face).  So I throw "wannabe" in there - so that it's justified - I never said I was any good!

Here's the perfect example of my self-doubt in practice.  I got a phone call from Brian's cousin a couple days ago, who is getting married in a few weeks.  Her photographer fell through and she asked if I would take pictures for her wedding.  She says, "I don't want you to feel obligated, like you're working, or feel like you can't enjoy yourself."  That's the least of my worries.  Really, I love to take pictures.  I just don't want to screw up.  I don't want to miss capturing the magic of a bride and groom on their special day.  I don't want to fail you, Robin, because I'm not good enough.

These are folders Abigail picked out for her high school classes.  We bought a few too many.  I am borrowing "Let Your Smile Change the World" to hold my Pound routines.  It'll be a good reminder.

But I'm tired of feeling this way all. the. time.  It's time for a shift, don't you think?  I know I'm not the best.  I know I'm not perfect. But I can love who I am, anyway, can't I?  I mean, I know all of you aren't the best, I know all of you aren't perfect, but I love you anyway! 


So you know what?  I'm going to turn up the music and drown out those negative voices in my head. I think it's why I'm so drawn to Pound.  It's helps me do just that.

Pound classes are an opportunity for people to come together, to use the music, movement and Ripstix to pound out frustration, stress and tension (should we add insecurity in there too?).  They'll leave having burned calories, strengthened their muscles, released pent up emotions and hopefully made a few friends.  Leading classes where all that can happen - that matters!

I am truly honored to have been asked to take pictures for the wedding (and I'm sure you'll get to see how I did here in a few weeks).

So I'll just be myself and let my smile change the world.  Because there's no one else on Earth like me.