Announcing Focus, Sunshine, and Butterflies

This has been Point A.  And it's been fun.  I think I know where Point B is.  A life filled with focus, love and joy.  And this is how I'm getting there.

www.focussunshinebutterflies.wordpress.com

I'd love to for you to join me there!  

52/52

The Final Song.

I have so much enjoyed spending the last year with you.  I have appreciated your support, your encouragement, your feedback, your comments, your friendship.  All of you.

I have learned a tremendous amount about myself.  Last week when I reread all my posts, my very first post posed the question "what do I want to be when I grow up?"  And what I realized is that I like to help people.  Most jobs I've held have fulfilled that need, starting with my desire to be a firefighter.  Now that never happened, but I did become a training manager and I taught people how to be more effective, how to project and time manage and I loved every minute of it.  My job now includes a lot of help desk type activity.  I don't love that as much, but I do love to solve problems for people.

This last year I have been on a path of self-discovery.  Really digging deep, pushing past invisible boundaries in my head about who I was and who I wanted to be, and realizing that I should have done this years ago.  But time slips away - feeling overwhelmed by the busy-ness of life's demands and always putting it off until tomorrow.  And tomorrow never comes.

Until you develop a blog like this where you feel accountable - not necessarily to anyone but yourself.  Because you don't want to let yourself down.  You don't want to give up.  You don't want to feel like you failed.  But I really do understand now that there is a difference between trying something and failing and failing because you didn't do anything at all.  Mom is in Control's podcast host, Heather Chauvin says "When you take action, that's when the magic happens." And I can't agree with her more.

I would think about my blog and be inspired by something and the wheels would turn in my head. Ideas would float around for a few days and a theme would emerge.  The blog helped me start to see the world differently.  I would look around and really consider how things around me made feel, contemplate the meaning of words, and test theories I had about what I believed to be truth.  Many times I was unexpectedly forced out of my comfort zone, and realizing it wasn't so bad, it started to expand my comfort zone.

So when you start to put all those thoughts, ideas and considerations into action, things change.  You do things you've never done before, you start to trust the whispers in your head - you know - the ones that are there just underneath all the negative thoughts coming from the peanut gallery.  The thoughts, ideas and considerations you give the most focus to tend to be the ones that get stronger.  If you're focused on the negative thoughts and you feed them regularly, they grow stronger and take over.  But if you starve those negative thoughts and ignore them, they become weak and pathetic.  I spent too many years starving and dismissing my positive thoughts that they just plain moved out.  And so I could only get them when they came from someone else - and that's dangerous if it's the only place you are getting them.  So feed your positive thoughts with encouragement, support, and action (which by the way is the most helpful when it comes from YOU).  YOU are the only one that can make YOU happy.  And conversely, YOU are the only one that can make YOU unhappy.

And that reminds me of a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

The biggest thing that I've learned this year is the difference between being a people-pleaser and being someone who sincerely likes to be helpful.  A year ago I would have told you that they are the same thing.  But here's what I've learned: A people-pleaser does things because they want people to like them, they soak up the praise and appreciation, they put a lot of emphasis on what people think of them.  A people-pleaser doesn't always consider the long term consequences of their actions.  A people-pleaser is terrified of judgment.  A people-pleaser can even get desperate for the attention or so caught up in the idea of what they "should" do that they do things they don't want to do.  A people-pleaser tends to, over time, lose who they are because they slowly turn into what they think other people want them to be.

A helpful person genuinely cares about people.  A helpful person sees someone who is hurting or is in need and offers support (which doesn't always equal advice).  A helpful person realizes that they are not expected to fix everyone and everything.  A helpful person considers the bigger picture and when they take action, they do so because they want to.  A helpful person is a friend, someone who listens more than they speak and can be counted on regardless if praise is given.  A helpful person is true to themselves.

So as my Project 52 ends, I want to say thank you for riding along on my journey.  Thank you for cheering me on.  Thank you for helping me see who I wanted to be.  So tell me, what was your favorite post from the last year? I'd love to know.  This was mine.

And that is my favorite post, I think, because it highlights the ideas of focus, perspective and feeling like you have no idea what happens next.  Do you know why I could never answer the "what do I want to be when I grow up" question? Because, for crying out loud, I didn't know what I wanted.  I only knew what I thought I should be and what other people thought I was.  I wasn't focused.  And if you think about that in terms of photography, everything else around me was clear, but I was fuzzy (like the barn through that dirty window).  You could kind of tell it was me, but the detail was missing.

Stay tuned later this week for the announcement of what comes next.  I'll warn you, it's going to be a little different than this last year's Project 52.  And I sincerely hope you like it.  But you know what? If you don't, that's totally okay.  I won't lose sleep, I won't try to morph it into something that I think you will like.  I won't even feel bad about it.  Because I'm doing this for me.   And because I can't please everyone.

an equally belated 18/52

Confused about my blogpost title?  Check out my post from a couple weeks ago.

So as I bring this Project 52 to a close, I reread all my posts from start to finish.  Aside from sounding a bit schizophrenic, I feel like a lot has happened, a lot has changed. And it was little bit like watching your life on fast forward.

I tried to really focus on what was important to me.  How in the world do you stay focused, how do you stay on track, with all the distractions buzzing around?  There's so many things to do, places to go, kids to drop off and pick up! So many things in our lives that are calling for our attention.

I don't know about you (but please tell me!), but for me, it's "out of sight, out of mind." Like that quilt kit that Brian let me buy when we went to Door County for our 15th anniversary. It has all the pieces and patterns all picked out for you.  You just need to cut and sew them together.  I've laid it all out, I've looked at it, I bought stuff to get started, but there it still sits next to my bedside table - all sad-like - next to my bed. Brian and I just celebrated 18 years.  It's been three years.  Three.  Years.

It sits there because I don't have time.  So how do you make time for things that are important to you but not urgent?  When I think about my job, everything is a priority - and most of what I do is deadline-driven.  So whatever needs to get done first gets done.  Even if it would be better for me to be thinking about and planning in advance for a future deadline.  And then after that deadline, it's onto the next urgent deadline.

And there just aren't many situations where making a quilt is considered urgent. And so it waits. Because the dishes need to be done.  The kids need clean clothes.  The refrigerator isn't going to fill itself!  All these little things that need to be done and can often be time and energy consuming.

For the last few months, I've been gearing up for the annual conference for the company I work for. So I'm in Las Vegas right now.  I've been here two other times; once when I was 21 and then my company brought me out here in 2012 to see this conference in action.  I forgot how loud and bright and crazy the casinos are.  Noise and lights come in from every direction.  You usually don't see any clocks and the outside world is not visible. I think this is very deliberate.  So you get sucked into the black hole of distraction.

The hotel is connected to the casino.  And as you leave the casino and enter the hotel, you see this beautiful serene waterfall.

Normally this space is FILLED with tourists taking pictures - and one night, there was even a bride and groom in front of the waterfall for photos.  It was beautiful.  The only way I could get this shot is because I was up and downstairs at 5:00 a.m.  The coffee shops weren't even open yet.  There were, however, people STILL in the casino that appeared to still be there from the night before.

 

And look - there is even a bridge!

It's been a busy conference.  There has been a lot of work to do - stuff that should have been done ahead of time, but I just couldn't get to it.  After I was done working yesterday, I stepped outside for the first time last night.  It was like an OVEN.  Y'all, I am NOT exaggerating.  And the inside of the convention center is kept at just above freezer temperatures.  Knowing this, I packed for Winter. Speaking of Winter (as in Winter is Coming), I haven't seen the Game of Thrones finale yet - it's been SO busy!!  

And considering I've only been outside once, the waterfall and bridge are beautiful to see - even though I'm sure a lot of the plants are fake.  They are doing their best to bring the outside in for the people who actually never get outside - whether they are working a conference or enjoying the casino.  

On a completely different note, today is an exciting day - Isaac's tenth birthday!!  

He's definitely not a baby anymore (I feel like I say that every year) now that he is ten.  But he'll always be my baby.  He is so sweet and thoughtful and kind and so much like Brian and me.  He's definitely ours - no question.  

Love you Isaac!!  :)

A very belated 17/52

How long can you go - asking yourself the same questions, wanting to do something, wanting to change something, wanting to make a difference or make something happen - before you realize that the only person that can do it, change it, make it happen is YOU?  And it has to start with you.  You may be inspired by someone else, but any action that will get you on that path has to be taken by YOU.  And maybe you don't feel like you are big enough, strong enough, smart enough, responsible enough, whatever enough.  But if you want undercover mermaid highlights in your hair, you need to save your money and call and make an appointment.  That is the only way it will happen.  I promise you that there are no undercover-mermaid-highlight fairies that will fly over you while you are sleeping and do it all for you.  

If you want to learn to sing like Taylor Swift or Avril Lavigne, then you are going to need to practice and maybe even save your money to get voice lessons.  And then practice some more.  A whole lot more.  Even if you pay for the best voice coach, you will have to put in the time and effort.  And you may feel like you are nowhere near as good as they are, but it doesn't matter - you have to start SOMEwhere.

If you want to run a marathon (and let's be clear, I DON'T), you are going to have to get off the couch and run.  Even if it's a short distance - but the key is consistency.  There is just no other way.  It won't happen overnight, it won't be easy, it may hurt - but you do it because the results are rewarding.  You have a sense of accomplishment.  You achieve your goals.  You feel good about yourself, about life - and you move on to the next big thing!

So don't let your doubt, your excuses, your procrastination, or your fear hold you back.  Take one little tiny step in the right direction.  And then take another one.  And another.  And pretty soon you're walking across the flo-oo-oor.

Trust that you can do this.  Whatever it is.  Trust that all the 'what if's' and 'what about's' will line up when they need to.  Believe in the process.  Believe in yourself.


And then you can quote Joyce Meyer and say “I may not be where I need to be but I thank God I am not where I used to be.”

And you should take one little tiny baby step today.  Because if you procrastinate too long, it may be too late.  Because life is fragile people.  Tomorrow is not guaranteed.  And if you do get a tomorrow and all your tomorrows accumulate and then before you know it, you are 39 years old and getting magenta and turquiose highlights in your hair.  And older brothers are making fun of you.  LOL

51/52

Okay, I am seriously laughing hysterically over here.  I have been trying to figure out how I started my blog on July 7 with "My Story" and then week one on July 14 - and how in the world is it June 11 and I'm on week 51???  Something is not adding up here!

And so there it is...

I can't believe that I didn't catch that.  It sounds a lot like me, though.  Once, when I was teaching Pound, I was counting out a stretch that needed to be held for 8 seconds, and said, "5, 7, 8 - what??"  I hate to say that I'm terrible at math, but oh, if this isn't a perfect example, I don't know what is.


You know who is good at math?  My niece, Ashley, and my cousin, Melissa.  Apparently, I need some tutoring.

Thank goodness I have smarter people in my life.  Like Brian.  Saturday, he was at the Illinois Trucking Association Tech Competition.  Isaac and I got to watch a little bit of it.

Brian doing a "pre-trip" around the truck.

There were 32 smarty-pants mechanics in the competition this year.  They had seven stations where their knowledge was tested on things like engine diagnostics, tires and wheels, and other mechanical things.  There were things that were wrong or broken on the truck that Brian was looking at and he had to be able to identify them all.  A headlight was out - that's about all Isaac and I could figure out.  We would have gotten one point.

The mechanics had about 25 minutes per station.  At the station previous to this one, Brian was done in 9 minutes.  He didn't win the competition, but he learned a lot!


And while he golfed in the afternoon with his mechanic buddies, Isaac and I washed my car and vacuumed it out.  Two horse shows two weeks apart = lots of sand and dirt in and on the car.

We visited the farmers market by our house and found these.

We also grilled and ate outside.

Johnsonville Cheese and Bacon Brat Burger on the back deck.

I love summer.

P.S. Today is our 18th wedding anniversary!  We celebrated last night with sushi - because it's not really a celebration without sushi. Love you, Brian! 

50/52

Wow.  Week 50.  My "Project 52" is almost finished.  I can't believe I got this far!

What happens next??

Oh my gosh, seriously, I don't know.  I have two weeks to figure it out.  14 days.  I'm feeling like I need to engage "Project 14" so that I can brainstorm ideas, create a vision and a plan and then implement it.  LOL

I could just keep doing what I'm doing.  I could do something similar.  I could do something more challenging - I mean, that was kind of the point for this.  To challenge myself to use my camera more often - to get out of automatic mode and work on taking pictures in manual mode, where you have a little more control over the settings.

Or I could do something completely different.  But what??

Completely different can be scary.  What if it doesn't turn out to be a good idea?  What if it just plain sucks?  What if I do it all wrong?  What if no on likes it?  What if no one reads it?

These are the voices in my head.  And they can be so loud - so hard to ignore.  SO ANNOYING! So I yell, "SHUT UP!" (I think this may the only time my mom would forgive me for saying that) and hope that because that is generally startling, that those voices will pipe down for once.

And I don't think that it's necessarily that those voices are mean or malicious.  They just want to keep me safe.  They want to keep me from experiencing failure, rejection, disappointment, and frustration.  Things that I don't really enjoy feeling.  And what better way to do that than to have me just stay right where I am, in my comfort zone, doing everything the way I've always done it (and with the corresponding results).  So if the voices can stop me from experiencing all those seemingly negative feelings, they have so much less work to do.  And they like it that way because they are LAZY.

I think back to the last few times I've tried something new and I was scared and it didn't go exactly the way I planned.  I had to talk myself off the ledge.  The voices in my head had to reassure me that it was going to be okay, that the world wasn't going to end because of this, that no one was going to think less of me.  That is SO MUCH WORK for them.

And they would just rather be tuned out watching Youtube videos like this one: Fenton the dog!

And yesterday, at the Tower Hill Stables Schooling Show, these awesome girls from Escapar Farm pushed beyond any scary thoughts about being on large horses and jumping over fences.

Hannah and Ruby

Emma and Savannah

Maggie and Indie

Halsey and Riley

Lexi and Riley

Lauren and Rango

Our girls did an amazing job at the show this weekend.  And while observing other riders and trainers, I think A LOT of that has to do with our trainer, Tasha.  She is encouraging; offering reminders (and sometimes multiple reminders) to the girls in a direct way, but without insulting them, belittling them, or making them feel bad.  And I think that Tasha does a great job of pushing them out of their comfort zone (like asking Emma to participate in a more challenging event that she wasn't planning to - where she ended up winning first place!) and feeling confident that they can handle it.

P.S. Georgia, I'm so sorry I didn't get any pictures of you on Savannah this time!  I promise to next time!  :)

49/52

Happy Summer!!

Emma has a big week this week!  Last weekend was the first horse show of the series and she and Savannah did great!

Emma and Savannah schooling for the derby. Photo credit: Koch R Lee

Emma and Savannah warming up first thing in the morning on Sunday.

She also graduated from eighth grade on Wednesday evening, making me the mom of two high school girls.   Oh my.

Look at how big her smile is!

To kick off summer, we went camping.  I should tell you, though, it isn't really camping.  My mom and Papa invite us up to their place - with air conditioning, a shower, real beds and a full kitchen.  So I'm calling it camping, but the only thing campy about it is the campfire and the s'mores.

We approve of the new square shaped marshmallows! 

The forecast at the end of last week for the weekend was bleak.  It was calling for rain, storms, wind - not very fun weather for camping - even for my altered version of camping.  So we were really expecting to be cooped up inside the trailer all weekend with movies and games.  And we've had plenty of those kinds of Memorial weekends before - and we've made the best of them.  But other than a short downpour on Saturday evening, the weather this weekend was fantastic!

Abbey (yes, we have changed the spelling.  Again.) and Zoey (who has never changed the spelling of her name).

We woke up Sunday morning so excited because Alexis was joining us for the day.  So we painted birdhouses, went to the beach, played four square, and jammed in as many campy activities as we could while she was there!

Alexis and Abigail enjoying the sun.  I love that you can see the clouds in the reflection of their sunglasses.

And even though the water temperature was as cold as the ice in a cooler at the lake, we still enjoyed the beach. I mean, look at this smile.  

My nephew, Luke!

This is the best start to every summer.  My mom and Papa feed us amazing food, we play games and have so much fun!  

Jacob, Luke, Emma, Gramma, Abbey, Isaac and Alexis

So so so many thanks to my mom and Papa for hosting all of us!!  :)