36/52

Not yet.

Today, Abigail is 15 years, 4 months and 9 days old.  And yesterday she started driving school.  This happened all so fast.  She has been looking forward to driving since she was, like, ten.  Seriously.  She wanted to know what kind of car she would drive.  If she would have her license on the day she turned 16.  Could she paint the car pink?   (And the answers to those questions: probably the Nissan Versa pictured below, no, she won't have her license on her 16th birthday and I suppose if she still wants it to be pink she could save up her money for that).  I remember thinking when she was ten that fifteen was a long way off, but really, it wasn't.

Abigail, just before her 10th birthday.

Every day plucked by until more than 1,500 days went by.  It totally snuck up on me!

How does that happen?  How do SO many days go by and it feels as short as the blink of an eye?  Oh, right.  Life happens.

So now she is embarking on a whole new adventure.  Something that will change her life, the extent of her freedom, and the weight of responsibility she carries.  It's a big step.  One that she is eager to take. 

Not just yet, Abbi.

Doesn't 1,500 days feel like a lot of time?  I look back and wonder what I've accomplished in that amount of time.  Because in my world, I measure success by my to-do list.  I have only just recently realized that relationships are important too. I mean, on my 80th birthday, I want to be celebrating the people in my life more than the to-do list I conquered.

Close friends of mine have heard me ask this question, "I'm 39 years old.  What am I doing with my life?  Is this what I want to be when I grow up?"

I think I'm getting closer.  I've proven to myself that I can make positive changes in my life.  Exercising on a regular basis, and more so becoming a Pound Pro (Pro = instructor) is not ever something I thought I could do a year ago.  It involved a lot of convincing.  I needed to overwrite all the doubt and arguments that my brain produced.  It was almost like a war.  Me vs. me.  Who would win?  My brain wanted to stay stuck right where it was.  It wanted to stick with the routines I had because they were comfortable and predictable, even if occasionally I became dissatisfied with that aspect of my life.  Eventually that dissatisfaction would dissipate and I would go back to the same old, same old.  I had to fight for that tiny thing called the passion to change, to improve, to accomplish my goals.  And beyond that it took work.  Because the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  So if we want something different, we're going to have to do some things differently. 

So what am I doing with the days I have been given, knowing that time can slip by so quickly if I don't consciously make a decision to embrace the time I have?

Making lists.  All kinds of lists.  Because I'm good at it.  And it works for me.  Things I have only dreamed of doing - things that, in the past, would have been fleeting thoughts that I would never act on because doubt would creep in or something urgent (but not necessarily important) would come up.  Things I want to do (like making time to call my mom and dad more often), and investing in myself.  Eating better, going to bed at a decent hour, reading more and connecting with the people that matter in my life.  But how?  How does this happen?

Some things are easier than you think.  Honestly.  I'm not lying to you.  I use an app called Due.  It's a to-do list and reminder app.  It's $5 I think, and there are probably free ones out there.  But I like this one.  I add items to my to-do list ALL the time.  Those little thoughts I have?  Add it to my list.  Call my mom and dad every week?  It's now a reminder on my list every Thursday and Friday.  If I promised to email a friend?  It's on my list.  It's not that it isn't important to me, it's just that I'm easily distracted.  It's not always convenient to do something the moment I'm thinking about it, so it's nice to have a place where all those thoughts go so I don't forget them and I can set reminders for when I actually think I could get them done.  And then little notifications pop up on my phone to remind me.  It turns all those "shoulds" into items that get crossed off my list.  It has helped remind me to reach out to that person I haven't talked to in a while.  I'm improving my relationships with reminders!  I also put things on my calendar.  My workouts for example.  It helps because then everyone in my family knows about them, and I see it as a reminder to everyone not to double book me for some other activity.

Make investing in yourself a priority. 

Because there will always be laundry, there will always be dishes, there will always be work.  They will always wait for you - they are urgent, and somewhat important - but when I'm 80, no one will care how I loaded the dishwasher, or if the socks were always matched up or even that I only ever took one sick day.  You know what I will care about?  That we took vacations together and laughed and had adventures.  That we went to the theater and experienced culture.  That we made family recipes and cookies in the kitchen ALL the time.  That my parents know I love them.  That I succeeded in paying off my debt and found a job I loved - that I thought was fulfilling, gave back and made a difference.

That's what will matter.  Be strong enough to follow your passion and change your routine if you're not happy.  And why not start today?  On a day that only shows up once every four years.  Do something big with this extra 24 hours. 

What matters to you?

I started reading a new book Stop Saying You're Fine by Mel Robbins (which I LOVE by the way).  I started following her on Twitter (@melrobbins).  Yesterday, she tweeted: I'm not telling you it's going to be easy - I'm telling you it's going to be worth it.

Amen. 

35/52

I want to pick up where I left off last week with what I took away from the Jen Sincero "You are a Badass" book.  

This week I bought a cork board to hang on the wall.  There were multiple sizes to choose from, but I went for the largest one I could find - 24 x 36 (that's like poster size).  Because you know me, go big or go home.

So today we had arts and crafts time.  I have all this scrapbooking supplies that I haven't touched in years (I'm trying not to feel bad about that because it's on my to do list to go through it and give it away.  Let me know if you're interested!).  So I grabbed some of my favorite paper and my favorite markers and started writing out my favorite quotes from Sincero's book.  

All these little notes of positivity start with Love Yourself.  And none of them say, "Love Yourself - you're a size 2,"  "Love Yourself - you got promoted,"  "Love Yourself - you made six figures this year."  These "love yourself" notes reflect your energy and your character - it's what's on the inside that matters.  And what's on the inside isn't tangible or something you can see easily.  So we have to stop comparing ourselves to those who appear perfect on Facebook and Instagram.  Because it's likely that you're not seeing the whole story or the less perfect parts of their lives.  There is so much we don't know.  And it can be deceptive to tell yourself a story about someone where you're filling in the blanks.  Or thinking that we'll be marginally happier if we just _____.  Fill in the blank - had more money, lost 50 pounds, had a different job, lived somewhere else.  You can start being happy in less time than it takes to make ramen noodles.  Really.

It's the reason there are a gjillion cat videos on YouTube.  Like this one.  Because sometimes you need a quick pick-me-up.  And if this doesn't do that for you, we need to check your pulse.

But seriously, here's why I love this book.  It's practical.  I don't already have to be at a certain point.  I can start right where I am.  It makes sense.  And it speaks to why we trip over ourselves when we try to accomplish something big.  And more importantly, how to get over it!

Get over my past, get over my negative way of thinking, get over my failures.  Take a second to think about this question.  What would you do if you knew you wouldn't fail?  We are so scared to fail.  But really, isn't failure really just figuring out what doesn't work?  It's working the equation through a process of elimination.  Why do we see that as a bad thing?  Or something to be afraid of, beat ourselves up over, etc.  We learn more about ourselves through failure than anything else.  Embrace it.  And brush yourself off and come at it from another angle.  You just have to want it bad enough.

After I read the book, I felt empowered - like I have the power to change something.  Or to encourage positive change in my circumstances and my environment.  I think it's what draws me to Pound.  It was developed by two women who rock.  Who understand there are incredible benefits to exercise, but more so understand that people have an aversion to it.  So they created something fun, burns calories AND helps to relieve stress.

For a million years, I have been saying that I want to get in shape.  But I just couldn't get my act together.  I could always find something else I needed to do or come up with an excuse.  This was SO frustrating!  I know I'm not alone.

Something that I learned from the Happier podcast with Gretchen Rubin and Elizabeth Craft is that I'm an obliger.  This means that I'm very good at keeping commitments that other people ask of me (I'm a people pleaser), but not so much for myself.  (If you're interested in more about the four tendencies, take the quiz!)

So when I found Pound, and the instructor was my friend, it was perfect mix of fun and accountability.  I so knew she would text me if I didn't show up.  And now that I'm teaching classes, I have to stick with my workouts because there are people depending on me.  On Sunday night at 7:30, there will be people convening at our church waiting for me to lead them with awesome music and a rockin' workout.  So this system of external accountability works for me.  And I love the positive changes that the ladies are reporting to me after they've been rocking out with me for any length of time.  Everything from "I was sore for three days!" to "look at my arms!"  and "I have more energy!" and even looking back at a picture of one the girls from last year and realizing that she is really toning up!

I also would put off practicing with my camera.  Taking pictures just for me - not for a family event or because we're on vacation.  So I created this blog.  Where it would force me to practice and post every week.  Again, building in that system of external accountability.  Because Lord knows there are people who start harassing me by Monday afternoon if they haven't seen anything posted.  So if that's you, keep it up.  I need it.  :)

I'll leave you with these three quotes:

Character is like a tree and reputation like a shadow.  The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing.  ~Abraham Lincoln

You learn more from failure than from success.  Don't let it stop you.  Failure builds character. ~Unknown

The content of your character is your choice.  Day by day, what you choose, what you think and what you do is who you become.  ~Heraclitus

34/52

It's amazing what happens when you open yourself up to the universe with a declaration to start loving yourself more.  Things start happening.

I went on a business trip this week to Memphis, Tennessee.  I wasn't super excited about going, I'll be honest.  I mean, most destinations have something you can look forward to.  Memphis?  I had nothing.  Unless you count the ducks.  Yes, I said ducks.  The hotel we stayed at has ducks.  Real ones.  Living in the hotel.  And they are treated like royalty.  I'm not kidding.


Until I got there, I didn't realize how huge BBQ is down there.  I mean, a couple people mentioned it to me, but it wasn't until I got there did it become real.  And I love BBQ!  My parents compete in BBQ competitions as Papa's Smokin' Seven and they got their start in Memphis.

So I ate great food every night - brisket, ribs and pulled pork.  And Thursday night, after dinner, the group was inquiring about what we should do next.  A local cab driver had given us a few ideas.  And one of them was Earnestine and Hazel's.  The cab driver talked it up.  How lively it was, how it was the best place to go in Memphis, yada yada yada.  It was about a mile away - completely walkable if the weather had been nicer.  But it was chilly and I was an idiot and didn't bring a coat.  So we hop in the Uber and go there.  We pull up and I had no idea what to expect, but it wasn't this:

photo courtesy of ilovememphis

We walked in and the place was completely empty and the bartender was cleaning the grill, as if they were closed.  They weren't, but it was weird to be in a place where we were the only ones there.  Right away, one person said, "Hey, the Uber didn't leave yet, should we flag him down and go somewhere else?"  We had a split second to make a decision.  The majority of the group wanted to stay, so we did.  We end up walking down this dark hallway to the 5 Spot.  It's a bar that is connected to Earnestine and Hazel's.  It's also empty.  Did I mention how bizarre of a feeling that is?  But we decide to make the best of it and order a drink.  Ryan, our bartender, tells us the story of Earnestine and Hazel's and how the upstairs used to be a brothel.  Wait, a what??  He encourages us to go upstairs and check it out.  And then he reveals that the whole place is haunted.  Oh great.  I'm not about haunted houses, haunted bars or haunted brothels. I instantly began to wish I had spoken up about jumping back into that Uber.  The fear (as stupid as it was) starts to panic me.  Just as I started to internally freak out, someone in the group asks me about being a fitness instructor.  And for those that know me well, you know that I can't just answer the question that is posed to me, I have to start at the beginning and explain the entire story.  So I'm distracted out of that fear.  Once I'm done with my lengthy explanation of my foot surgery, ballet, Pound and then the transition to being an instructor (if you missed that long story, read it here), one of the members of our group asks if we should go upstairs to check it out.  I didn't want to really, but I also didn't want to make them go alone.  So I reluctantly went.  We wind through the dark hallway again and walk through a door marked "Keep door closed."  We are presented with a stairwell.

The stairs are crooked, that isn't an optical illusion.  And their stability is beyond questionable.  It was terrifying.  And I realize why that door I just walked through has a sign on it.  It's freezing in here.  So we go up the stairs.  It's not very bright but there is a long hallway.  All I see are walls that look like they need to be torn down.  But I get to the end of the hallway and turn around and see something I never expected.

It was a striking collection of colors and light and a mess of peeling drywall and paint and scrawlings of "so-and-so was here" and other graffiti.  The doors on the left side led to rooms that were now set up as hangouts for bar-goers that weren't completely freaked out by the place being haunted.

Windows in the rooms are open to brick walls.

The framework behind the drywall looks stripe-y. 

The sign for the 5 Spot can be seen right outside the window. 

The whole place's beauty is built on the fact it's a remarkable display of something that is falling apart.  How is it possible that that is beautiful? It just is.  So if I would have let my fear paralyze me, I wouldn't have seen this place.  And I'm at a place in my life where I don't want to be paralyzed by indecision, fear and not thinking that I'm worth taking some chances. 

So last week I decided to let go of perfection and to start loving myself.  This opened me up to so many positive things.  Going on this trip afforded me a little time to myself waiting at the airport and being on the plane.  I see an ad for a podcast that I think sounds interesting: Happier and after listening to about 19 of their podcasts, I'm hooked.  They offer practical ways of making yourself happier - in all kinds of ways - from being organized, to making stronger connections with the people you love and being productive.  Because it all matters and it all relates.  And they have simple "try this at home" activities that are easy to incorporate into your life, but can have a huge impact.

The other cool thing that happened is that I started reading a book.  I think I mentioned a couple weeks ago that the company I work for held a women's leadership conference last October.  They send emails out periodically and the email I got last week highlighted a book from Jen Sincero, "You're a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life." I think I'm about 2/3 of the way through the book and it's incredible how the thoughts you have can either limit your present and future or pave the way for you to rock it.

Here are some of my favorite quotes from Jen Sincero's book (and I love them so much I want to write them on notecards and hang them on a corkboard where I can see them everyday!):

"Wanting can be done sitting on the couch with a bong in your hand and a travel magazine in your lap.  Deciding means jumping in all the way, doing whatever it takes, and going after your dreams with the tenacity of a dateless cheerleader a week before prom night."

"If you want to live a life you've never lived, you have to do things you've never done."

On how to forgive yourself, repeat this as often as you need to: "Holding on to my bad feelings about this is doing nothing but harming me, and everyone else, and preventing me from enjoying my life fully.  I am an awesome person.  I choose to enjoy my life.  I choose to let this go."

"Procrastination is one of the most popular forms of self-sabotage because it's really easy."

"If you're serious about changing your life, you'll find a way.  If you're not, you'll find an excuse."

So this last quote is my final thought and the one that I think rings so true for me this week:

"When you up-level your idea of what's possible, and decide to really go for it, you open yourself up to the means to accomplish it as well."

I felt stuck.  I felt like there was no possibility of change.  This was just who I was.  I felt like there was nothing I could do.  Because change is terrifying.  It's scary.  You don't know if all your hard work is going to give you the results you're hoping for.  It could all suck in the end.  There's often pain, deprivation and investment of time.  You can't predict the future.  It's unknown, and that uncertainty can bury you in fear if you're a control freak like me.

But whatever I want to achieve is an investment in myself.  And I'm worth it. 

There's so much more I want to write, but I'll save it for next week.  :)

33/52

Happy Superbowl Day!  I am really having a difficult time believing that it's already February.  The year is already flying.  Aside from the Superbowl, February is the month that contains Valentine's day.  A holiday that is all about expressing love.


I feel a little crazy when I say this out loud - but I love barns.  It's inexplicable really.  But I do.  And there is this one that I drive past on the way to and from the barn that Emma rides at.  And every single time, I look at it with this longing; wishing I had my camera with me, wishing I had time to stop and take some pictures.

Well, this week I made it happen.  Remember Week 30 I wrote about finding joy and happiness?  I carved out time in my weekend to make the stop at the barn.  I loaded up my camera and tripod so that I would be ready - no excuses.  That same week I wrote about not being perfect.  I don't love pictures of myself.  I'm far more comfortable behind the camera than in front of it.  I can see a picture of myself and see a million flaws.  But I had a thought.  I could take a picture in front of my favorite barn - and that wouldn't be so bad. And then I had another thought... but first let me tell you this.


One of the things I have been doing over the last few weeks is going through all the clothes in my closet.  It's a daunting side effect to losing weight and inches.  Lots of the clothes in my closet don't fit anymore. I know, I know, woe is me and I shouldn't complain - but I wanted to explain how I discovered something.  I organize my clothes by type: work clothes in one section - long sleeved tops, short sleeved tops, sleeveless tops, skirts, then pants.  Another section has all my dresses and sweaters.  Another section has my casual, comfy and workouts clothes.  And as I pulled out some things that didn't fit anymore and I pulled together all my comfy casual long sleeved tops, I burst out laughing!  I am apparently drawn to gray and white stripes.  I bought all of these for myself.  They were not gifts.  They were purchases I made where I'm sure I said something like "Oooo, I like this.  I should get it!"    

As you know, over the last few weeks, I've been talking about joy, happiness, being imperfect, trying new things and turning negative thoughts into positive thoughts.  I have been thinking about love and how I don't necessarily love myself enough.  For who I am on the inside or for what I see on the outside.  All I see (and then focus on) is the bad stuff, the flaws.  I'm always apologetic for how I feel.  Like it's wrong.  And while sometimes it is, for me it happens far too often to be right.  And when I dig even deeper, I've discovered I barely know who I am, what I stand for.  Like if I were my own friend, how would I describe me to someone who has never met me?  And does that differ from how I would like to be described?  Would I like me?  I don't know all the answers - I believe that finding them will be a bit of journey.   

So posing in front of my favorite barn with a few of my favorite shirts seemed to get me a whole lot closer to liking being in front of the camera.  I'm not there yet, but closer. It was a little chilly and the wind was kicking up intermittently, so my hair is a little wild in some of these pictures (kind of like me after a couple drinks - ha!).  I kind of think all the awesome elements in the pictures outweigh whatever flaws I managed to find. 

So doing this photo shoot was a little scary at first.  And maybe that's why I procrastinated.  This barn is right off of a well traveled road.  There is this teensy weensy "No Trespassing" sign on the front of the barn.  I was worried that someone seeing me park my car in front of the barn and setting up my tripod may have something to say.  I was worried about what the people in the cars driving past would think.  It was a little cold and windy (have I ever told you I don't do cold well?).  I was worried that the photographic vision in my head wasn't going to turn out as well through the lens.  Without an assistant, I was using the timer on my camera, and that meant running back and forth between the fence and the camera.  My focus was off a few times, so I had to start hanging my coat on the fence post so that I could get it right.  Get the coat in focus, make sure all my settings are right, press the button, run to the fence, pull down the coat, set it on the ground and pose.  This happened about 15 times.  Add in a few jogs back to the car to change my shirt.  I was there for about an hour.

The good news is that no one stopped to tell me they were calling the police because I was trespassing.  No drivers stopped to ask me what the heck I was doing.  I didn't get frostbite.  I can check this off my long list of things I want to do! And I actually learned a few tricks and like some of the pictures I got.  Are they all perfect?  Nope.  But I like them anyway.  :)
    

32/52

I'm pretty sure I was called a daydreamer when I was growing up. My mom encouraged me to dream big.

I saw movies like Poltergeist, Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street when I was pretty young. And as I'm sure you can guess, they gave me horrible nightmares. 

I almost always remember my dreams.  As a kid, my dreams seemed so real.  Where I was being chased.  And I would wake up terrified.  And not be able to fall back to sleep.  The shadows on my walls haunted me.  I finally figured out that I had to learn how to rewrite the endings.  I would fall back to sleep and pick up the dream where I left off, but now I could fly - or swim - and be able to breathe underwater to escape whoever or whatever was chasing me.

As I got older, the dreams changed a bit, but still woke me up in the middle of the night.  Dreams like walking through the hallways in high school and not remembering my schedule or my locker combination.  Or driving a stick shift car and approaching an intersection - and realizing I don't know how to drive stick and I can't get the car to stop (now, I realize that these two issues aren't related, however, in my dream they were).

When I was pregnant with Abigail, the dreams were amazingly vivid, and sometimes so confusing.  At the time, I worked for an insurance brokerage firm.  Everyday I started my work day with my friend, Liane, and over the cubicle wall I would tell her all the details of my dream from the night before and we would spend the rest of the morning analyzing it.

Recently, Abbi asked me to take her to Hot Topic to do some shopping with her Christmas money.  She found this sweatshirt.  I love what it says, "They've promised that dreams come true, but they forgot to mention that nightmares are dreams too."

This quote's placement on a yin yang symbol isn't coincidental.  The yin yang symbol represents perfect balance and harmony of opposing forces.  One cannot exist without the other.  Light and Dark.  Water and Fire. North and South.  Even numbers and odd numbers.  Numbers - okay, now you're speaking my language.  For those of you that don't know,  I love numbers.  Mostly even numbers, but even if they aren't even, I try to turn the number into a math equation so that the answer is an even number.  When I got my first cell phone, I had to work some serious flirtatious magic to get the guy at Circuit City to give me a number with all even numbers.  Yes, it was that important. 

This concept of opposing forces is interesting to pull apart.  Can you really ever appreciate the sun if you never feel the rain? Can you know joy without sorrow?  I'm entirely guilty of feeling like the sun will never shine again when it's raining.  I can't even remember what summer feels like when we're in the middle of a blizzard.  Like whatever I'm going through is never going to get better.  I get stuck there.

And then on the flip side, I can be overly optimistic when things ARE better.  My sunshine is eternal. Which maybe is a crazy way of saying that ignorance is bliss.  Yeah, I'm guilty of that too. I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt (because I know there is always so much more happening in a situation that I don't know about).  And I generally want to stay stuck there. 

But there should be balance and harmony, right?  There will be good days and bad days.  Days where you feel like you're on cloud nine and days when you don't even want to get out of bed.  So the trick is to not stay stuck there.  You can't be oblivious to all the signs pointing in a certain direction, but you also have the power to pave your own path.  You have a choice. 

Want to know something?  That driving-stick-shift nightmare was a reoccurring dream for me.  It started when I learned how to drive (when I was 17) and I would have it about once a month.  When Brian and I got married (when I was 21), and his car was a manual transmission Nissan Altima, he taught me how to drive it.  I had that nightmare for FOUR years.  Once I got the hang of driving stick, I never had that dream again. 

So believe in yourself.  Believe in the power you hold.  And don't be afraid to take a few steps off the path.  If it isn't going the way you want it to, then take a few steps back, get back on the path and then try again a little farther down the road.  If you're facing a nightmare, you can rewrite the end of your dream.  The choice is yours.  It's always yours.  That's power, isn't it?