I went on a business trip this week to Memphis, Tennessee. I wasn't super excited about going, I'll be honest. I mean, most destinations have something you can look forward to. Memphis? I had nothing. Unless you count the ducks. Yes, I said ducks. The hotel we stayed at has ducks. Real ones. Living in the hotel. And they are treated like royalty. I'm not kidding.
Until I got there, I didn't realize how huge BBQ is down there. I mean, a couple people mentioned it to me, but it wasn't until I got there did it become real. And I love BBQ! My parents compete in BBQ competitions as Papa's Smokin' Seven and they got their start in Memphis.
So I ate great food every night - brisket, ribs and pulled pork. And Thursday night, after dinner, the group was inquiring about what we should do next. A local cab driver had given us a few ideas. And one of them was Earnestine and Hazel's. The cab driver talked it up. How lively it was, how it was the best place to go in Memphis, yada yada yada. It was about a mile away - completely walkable if the weather had been nicer. But it was chilly and I was an idiot and didn't bring a coat. So we hop in the Uber and go there. We pull up and I had no idea what to expect, but it wasn't this:
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photo courtesy of ilovememphis |
We walked in and the place was completely empty and the bartender was cleaning the grill, as if they were closed. They weren't, but it was weird to be in a place where we were the only ones there. Right away, one person said, "Hey, the Uber didn't leave yet, should we flag him down and go somewhere else?" We had a split second to make a decision. The majority of the group wanted to stay, so we did. We end up walking down this dark hallway to the 5 Spot. It's a bar that is connected to Earnestine and Hazel's. It's also empty. Did I mention how bizarre of a feeling that is? But we decide to make the best of it and order a drink. Ryan, our bartender, tells us the story of Earnestine and Hazel's and how the upstairs used to be a brothel. Wait, a what?? He encourages us to go upstairs and check it out. And then he reveals that the whole place is haunted. Oh great. I'm not about haunted houses, haunted bars or haunted brothels. I instantly began to wish I had spoken up about jumping back into that Uber. The fear (as stupid as it was) starts to panic me. Just as I started to internally freak out, someone in the group asks me about being a fitness instructor. And for those that know me well, you know that I can't just answer the question that is posed to me, I have to start at the beginning and explain the entire story. So I'm distracted out of that fear. Once I'm done with my lengthy explanation of my foot surgery, ballet, Pound and then the transition to being an instructor (if you missed that long story, read it here), one of the members of our group asks if we should go upstairs to check it out. I didn't want to really, but I also didn't want to make them go alone. So I reluctantly went. We wind through the dark hallway again and walk through a door marked "Keep door closed." We are presented with a stairwell.
The stairs are crooked, that isn't an optical illusion. And their stability is beyond questionable. It was terrifying. And I realize why that door I just walked through has a sign on it. It's freezing in here. So we go up the stairs. It's not very bright but there is a long hallway. All I see are walls that look like they need to be torn down. But I get to the end of the hallway and turn around and see something I never expected.
It was a striking collection of colors and light and a mess of peeling drywall and paint and scrawlings of "so-and-so was here" and other graffiti. The doors on the left side led to rooms that were now set up as hangouts for bar-goers that weren't completely freaked out by the place being haunted.
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Windows in the rooms are open to brick walls. |
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The framework behind the drywall looks stripe-y. |
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The sign for the 5 Spot can be seen right outside the window. |
The whole place's beauty is built on the fact it's a remarkable display of something that is falling apart. How is it possible that that is beautiful? It just is. So if I would have let my fear paralyze me, I wouldn't have seen this place. And I'm at a place in my life where I don't want to be paralyzed by indecision, fear and not thinking that I'm worth taking some chances.
So last week I decided to let go of perfection and to start loving myself. This opened me up to so many positive things. Going on this trip afforded me a little time to myself waiting at the airport and being on the plane. I see an ad for a podcast that I think sounds interesting: Happier and after listening to about 19 of their podcasts, I'm hooked. They offer practical ways of making yourself happier - in all kinds of ways - from being organized, to making stronger connections with the people you love and being productive. Because it all matters and it all relates. And they have simple "try this at home" activities that are easy to incorporate into your life, but can have a huge impact.
The other cool thing that happened is that I started reading a book. I think I mentioned a couple weeks ago that the company I work for held a women's leadership conference last October. They send emails out periodically and the email I got last week highlighted a book from Jen Sincero, "You're a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life." I think I'm about 2/3 of the way through the book and it's incredible how the thoughts you have can either limit your present and future or pave the way for you to rock it.
Here are some of my favorite quotes from Jen Sincero's book (and I love them so much I want to write them on notecards and hang them on a corkboard where I can see them everyday!):
"Wanting can be done sitting on the couch with a bong in your hand and a travel magazine in your lap. Deciding means jumping in all the way, doing whatever it takes, and going after your dreams with the tenacity of a dateless cheerleader a week before prom night."
"If you want to live a life you've never lived, you have to do things you've never done."
On how to forgive yourself, repeat this as often as you need to: "Holding on to my bad feelings about this is doing nothing but harming me, and everyone else, and preventing me from enjoying my life fully. I am an awesome person. I choose to enjoy my life. I choose to let this go."
"Procrastination is one of the most popular forms of self-sabotage because it's really easy."
"If you're serious about changing your life, you'll find a way. If you're not, you'll find an excuse."
So this last quote is my final thought and the one that I think rings so true for me this week:
"When you up-level your idea of what's possible, and decide to really go for it, you open yourself up to the means to accomplish it as well."
I felt stuck. I felt like there was no possibility of change. This was just who I was. I felt like there was nothing I could do. Because change is terrifying. It's scary. You don't know if all your hard work is going to give you the results you're hoping for. It could all suck in the end. There's often pain, deprivation and investment of time. You can't predict the future. It's unknown, and that uncertainty can bury you in fear if you're a control freak like me.
But whatever I want to achieve is an investment in myself. And I'm worth it.
There's so much more I want to write, but I'll save it for next week. :)
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