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Happy Superbowl Day!  I am really having a difficult time believing that it's already February.  The year is already flying.  Aside from the Superbowl, February is the month that contains Valentine's day.  A holiday that is all about expressing love.


I feel a little crazy when I say this out loud - but I love barns.  It's inexplicable really.  But I do.  And there is this one that I drive past on the way to and from the barn that Emma rides at.  And every single time, I look at it with this longing; wishing I had my camera with me, wishing I had time to stop and take some pictures.

Well, this week I made it happen.  Remember Week 30 I wrote about finding joy and happiness?  I carved out time in my weekend to make the stop at the barn.  I loaded up my camera and tripod so that I would be ready - no excuses.  That same week I wrote about not being perfect.  I don't love pictures of myself.  I'm far more comfortable behind the camera than in front of it.  I can see a picture of myself and see a million flaws.  But I had a thought.  I could take a picture in front of my favorite barn - and that wouldn't be so bad. And then I had another thought... but first let me tell you this.


One of the things I have been doing over the last few weeks is going through all the clothes in my closet.  It's a daunting side effect to losing weight and inches.  Lots of the clothes in my closet don't fit anymore. I know, I know, woe is me and I shouldn't complain - but I wanted to explain how I discovered something.  I organize my clothes by type: work clothes in one section - long sleeved tops, short sleeved tops, sleeveless tops, skirts, then pants.  Another section has all my dresses and sweaters.  Another section has my casual, comfy and workouts clothes.  And as I pulled out some things that didn't fit anymore and I pulled together all my comfy casual long sleeved tops, I burst out laughing!  I am apparently drawn to gray and white stripes.  I bought all of these for myself.  They were not gifts.  They were purchases I made where I'm sure I said something like "Oooo, I like this.  I should get it!"    

As you know, over the last few weeks, I've been talking about joy, happiness, being imperfect, trying new things and turning negative thoughts into positive thoughts.  I have been thinking about love and how I don't necessarily love myself enough.  For who I am on the inside or for what I see on the outside.  All I see (and then focus on) is the bad stuff, the flaws.  I'm always apologetic for how I feel.  Like it's wrong.  And while sometimes it is, for me it happens far too often to be right.  And when I dig even deeper, I've discovered I barely know who I am, what I stand for.  Like if I were my own friend, how would I describe me to someone who has never met me?  And does that differ from how I would like to be described?  Would I like me?  I don't know all the answers - I believe that finding them will be a bit of journey.   

So posing in front of my favorite barn with a few of my favorite shirts seemed to get me a whole lot closer to liking being in front of the camera.  I'm not there yet, but closer. It was a little chilly and the wind was kicking up intermittently, so my hair is a little wild in some of these pictures (kind of like me after a couple drinks - ha!).  I kind of think all the awesome elements in the pictures outweigh whatever flaws I managed to find. 

So doing this photo shoot was a little scary at first.  And maybe that's why I procrastinated.  This barn is right off of a well traveled road.  There is this teensy weensy "No Trespassing" sign on the front of the barn.  I was worried that someone seeing me park my car in front of the barn and setting up my tripod may have something to say.  I was worried about what the people in the cars driving past would think.  It was a little cold and windy (have I ever told you I don't do cold well?).  I was worried that the photographic vision in my head wasn't going to turn out as well through the lens.  Without an assistant, I was using the timer on my camera, and that meant running back and forth between the fence and the camera.  My focus was off a few times, so I had to start hanging my coat on the fence post so that I could get it right.  Get the coat in focus, make sure all my settings are right, press the button, run to the fence, pull down the coat, set it on the ground and pose.  This happened about 15 times.  Add in a few jogs back to the car to change my shirt.  I was there for about an hour.

The good news is that no one stopped to tell me they were calling the police because I was trespassing.  No drivers stopped to ask me what the heck I was doing.  I didn't get frostbite.  I can check this off my long list of things I want to do! And I actually learned a few tricks and like some of the pictures I got.  Are they all perfect?  Nope.  But I like them anyway.  :)